reflections / Couple
We are not always attracted to people who are good for us
Feeling strongly attracted to someone does not mean a relationship with them will be good for you. Early excitement cannot tell you how you will handle disagreements, whether they will respect your boundaries or whether you want similar lives. You can feel attracted without turning it into a promise. Before choosing, notice how they treat you when things do not go their way. Your feelings matter, and so does what happens between you.
Liking someone a lot does not tell you whether they will be good for you. Notice how they treat you when you disagree or say no.
Attraction opens a possibility; spending time together lets you examine it.
The context
When you like someone, it is easy to imagine the relationship will go well. But at first, you may not know how they act when tired, upset or expected to keep a promise.
For example, they may send messages that make you excited, then stop replying whenever you bring up a problem. Getting another pleasant message does not resolve what is still unsettled.
Over time, notice whether they keep their promises, listen to your views and accept that you sometimes say no. Talk about what each of you wants from the relationship too. You do not need to test or monitor them to get to know them better.
You also do not have to date someone just because they are kind. It matters that you like them and that they treat you with respect. If they try to control your choices or humiliate you, you can leave even if you still feel attracted to them.
FAQ
Questions and answers
Editorial questions and examples inspired by public discussions. They are not reader testimonials.
I really like them, but I usually feel worried after seeing them. Can I step away for that reason?
Yes, you can decide to stop seeing them. To understand what worries you, think about what actually happens: do they cancel plans without warning, mock you or ignore your requests? You may also feel nervous because you do not know them well yet. Take your time if you want, but you do not have to stay just because you like them.
Fictional example: I wanted to see him again, though I was upset when he canceled our plans without warning. I stopped making excuses for him and explained what I needed. His response helped me decide whether to keep seeing him.
Dilemmas from this reflection
Put this idea to the test
Explore situations where this reflection does not have a simple answer.
#001Would you keep dating someone who treats you well but you are not attracted to?You have been dating someone you like as a person for three months, but you do not feel like kissing them. Today they ask if you want a relationship.
You want to give a relationship that is good for you time to grow, but the other person needs to know how you really feel to decide whether to continue.
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