reflections / Communication
Someone who loves you cannot always know what you are thinking
Sometimes it hurts when someone we love does not notice what we need. We think that if they really knew us, we would not have to explain. But loving someone does not let you read their mind. You can say what hurt you and ask for something specific without making their affection less sincere. What matters is what they do after they hear you: they do not have to guess everything, but they should take what you tell them seriously.
Someone can love you and still miss what you need. Say what hurt you and make a specific request; then see whether they take what you said seriously.
It can hurt when the person you love does not notice what you need.
The context
Your partner may notice that you are tired but not know why something upset you. They may even take your silence to mean you want to be alone when you actually want company. Having understood you before does not mean they will always know what you need.
Explain what happened, how you felt and what you are asking for. For example: “When you changed the plan without telling me, I felt left out. Could we talk about it first next time?” That way the other person knows what happened and can respond.
Listen to their response too. Maybe they understood the plan differently or cannot do everything you ask. Talking helps you see where you agree and what you still need to work out.
If you have already explained and they keep making fun of you or ignoring it, the situation is different. They know what you need. Now it matters whether they are willing to treat you with respect.
FAQ
Questions and answers
Editorial questions and examples inspired by public discussions. They are not reader testimonials.
If I have to ask for affection, it feels like it no longer counts. How can I stop thinking that way?
Asking does not make the other person pretend. It helps them know what feels good to you. Notice whether they respond with interest and whether they also show care on their own.
I used to say nothing was wrong and wait for them to insist. Learning to explain what I needed saved us a lot of arguments.
Dilemmas from this reflection
Put this idea to the test
Explore situations where this reflection does not have a simple answer.
#035Your partner has plans to go out and you need company. Would you ask her to stay?Your partner bought a ticket to go out with friends. After a difficult day, you want her with you, but have not told her yet.
You need company and can ask for it. Your partner also made a plan in advance and does not know you would like her to change it today.
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