reflections / Separation and letting go
An impossible love can be a way to avoid a real relationship
Sometimes we imagine a life with someone who has already said they do not want to be with us. While we wait for them to change their mind, we stop making our own plans or meeting other people. Waiting can also help us avoid the fear of starting a relationship where both people want to take part. That is not true in every case, but it is worth asking ourselves. What you feel matters, and so does the other person’s answer. Loving them deeply does not turn their no into a promise.
Waiting for someone who cannot or does not want to be with you can keep you from a possible relationship. Your feelings matter, but they are not a promise from the other person.
Waiting for someone who has said no can take over your life. Consider what they have actually said and return to your own plans.
The context
You can fall in love with someone who does not want a relationship with you. That alone does not mean you are afraid of love. It is worth looking at the waiting when the person has given you a clear answer and you still organize your life around the possibility that they might change their mind.
When we do not share everyday life with someone, it is easy to imagine that everything would be the way we want. A kind message can seem like a sign, even if the person has not said they want a relationship.
Ask yourself whether you are waiting for something the person offered or for something you hope for. You can also consider whether waiting lets you avoid conversations or choices that might feel frightening with someone who does want to be with you.
Accepting the answer can hurt and take time. You do not have to stop feeling something right away or start dating someone else. You can reduce contact if that helps, return to your plans, and spend time with friends.
FAQ
Questions and answers
Editorial questions and examples inspired by public discussions. They are not reader testimonials.
They told me they do not want a relationship, but I think they will change with time. Should I wait?
Take their answer as it stands today. You cannot build an agreement around a change they have not offered. You can feel sad and decide to stop organizing your life around that wait.
Every conversation made me hope all over again. Taking some distance helped me hear the no I had already received.
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