reflections / Values and character
Admitting our own mistakes changes how we judge others
Remembering a mistake of our own can change the way we talk about someone else’s mistake. We know what it is like to act badly, feel ashamed, and need a chance to make amends. That does not erase the harm or mean we have to trust again. But it can help us hold someone accountable without reducing them to the worst thing they have done. Sometimes fairer judgment begins with remembering that we, too, have needed understanding.
Remembering your own mistakes can help you judge more fairly. You can ask someone to make amends without reducing them to the worst thing they have done.
Remembering your own mistakes can help you judge others fairly while still asking for an explanation and for the harm to be put right.
The context
When someone else makes a mistake, we tend to see what they did. When we make one, we also remember the fear, exhaustion, or confusion we felt. That can make us harsher toward others.
We say we reacted badly because we were exhausted. We say the other person is selfish. Repeated behavior may justify distrust, but one incident is not always enough to know what someone is like.
If someone forgets a commitment, you might call them irresponsible. If you forget one, you remember the difficult week you had. You do not have to make excuses for them: you can ask what happened and explain how it affected you.
Remembering your own mistakes does not mean all mistakes are equally serious. Forgetting an appointment is not the same as assaulting someone. The point is to admit that you may not know everything that happened, while still asking for an explanation and for the harm to be repaired.
Understanding what happened does not require you to forgive or trust again. If the harm keeps happening, you can walk away. You can care for the person who was hurt and see whether the other person changes their actions, not just their words.
FAQ
Questions and answers
Editorial questions and examples inspired by public discussions. They are not reader testimonials.
I make mistakes too. Does that mean I cannot speak up?
You can speak up. Acknowledging your mistakes does not cancel your boundaries. It helps keep the focus on the harm and making amends instead of humiliating someone or reducing them to a label.
Remembering a promise I had broken did not make my anger disappear, but it helped me ask for an explanation without insulting anyone.
Dilemmas from this reflection
Put this idea to the test
Explore situations where this reflection does not have a simple answer.
#019The team wants to fire a coworker for a mistake you also made. Would you support dismissal?A coworker sent an order incorrectly and caused a loss. The team wants them fired, but you made the same mistake a year ago and nobody discovered it.
The mistake caused a loss and needs a response. Remembering your own may help you be fairer, but may also make you want to avoid a necessary consequence.
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